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I lied

A few weeks ago, I said I was doing well. I lied. I lied to you. More importantly, I lied to myself. I really thought I was doing better. But too many too long days, too much administrative crap, and too little hope have done me in.

I love that students tell me (or my kids) what a difference I’ve made in their lives. I hate that I have so much to do that I’m not making the difference I can to my current students.

I love teaching and developing course materials. I hate that neither my classes nor my materials are what the could be or should be.

I love my students. I love helping them. Once again, I hate that I’m not helping as well as I should.

I hate working twelve hour days and still falling further behind.

But most of all, I hate knowing that our top administrators have no plans to provide my department with the support it needs. It just makes it worse to hear that the College is cutting the discount rate on the backs of CS and Econ [1]. I especially hate that College policies mean that growth in tenure line CS faculty would have to come at the expense of core liberal arts disciplines I value highly.

The way I feel is now once again affecting how I interact with others. I hate that, too. Believe it or not, but I really do prefer to treat others positively and with respect. I’m so angry that it’s difficult to do so.

I wish I could see myself recovering in the near future, but that doesn’t seem likely. I can’t wait for sabbatical. I need it more than I’ve ever needed it.

How are you Sam? Furious and frustrated.

At least I have a wonderful wife, spectacular sons, awesome students, and some really amazing colleagues.

[1] You should be able to figure out what that means. If you can’t, feel free to ask me in person.

Version 1.0 of 2017-10-03.