Another prime birthday (#1352)

Topics/tags: Autobiographical

I turned 61 yesterday. Another prime birthday! Two years since my last one, six years until my next one, another four years until the one after that [1]. Do other people think about the numbers associated with their birthdays, or do they only pay attention to the round numbers / multiple of five?

I spent last year’s birthday in Michelle’s hospital room while my sons were off at Youngest’s graduation. I spent this year’s birthday visiting a friend along with two of the three sons. I wish I could have Michelle here for this one. There has to be a first time.

I suppose a birthday is a time to look at one’s self [2], to look backward, and to look ahead. I’ll try to do so in this musing.

In many ways, I’m content with who I am. I’m kind (or people judge me a such) and often generous. I’m good at the job I do. I feel like I serve as a positive force in the world. I may not be an incredibly positive force, but I seem to bring a net benefit to the world. At least, I tell myself I do. I’m also broadly fortunate: I have three amazing sons, I have good friends, I get compensated well for what I do, and I live comfortably.

Not everything is rosy. On many days, I struggle to live without the love of my life.

I have not taken good care of my body; I need to lose weight, and I must address the effects it has had on my body. I’ve blamed my weight on myself and my lack of restraint; it seems like modern science suggests that I should rather blame my genetics and my body chemistry. Still, it feels like I needed to do better.

Although I have positive personal characteristics (see above), I also have many negative ones. The most obvious one is greed (although we might phrase it as acquisitiveness). I have trouble letting go of things; Michelle and I both attributed that, in part, to losing my father at a young age. But there’s something else at play, too: I get too much joy out of getting and keeping things. I suppose that’s an issue to take up with a therapist. Someday. For now, I know that searching for things keeps my mind off more recent losses. It’s not the best strategy.

I also have other characteristics that concern me. I don’t discuss them. They don’t damage others, so perhaps they shouldn’t [3]. I don’t know.

I’m sixty one. When I was thirty, I would have said sixty one is old. These days, I don’t think of myself as old, although I do describe myself as fat, old, tired, and grumpy. It’s more that I’m fat and out of shape. Things to work on.

That’s about it for where and what I am now. Where have I been? Iowa. Maine. New Hampshire. Chicago. Newton. Other places I’ve visited.

I know. That was bad, even for one of my jokes.

Looking back, I wish I’d spent more time with Michelle, more time with the kids, more time appreciating my students’ activities, more time taking care of myself, less time working. However, as my father said (or as my mother said that my father said) [4], the things we appreciate about others are often intricately tied to the things we dislike about others. I suppose the same holds for ourselves. I like many thing about myself. I had a great love in my life. Few are so fortunate. I could have done better, but I’ve done well. Or well enough. And you can’t change the past [5].

What about the future? The future is big and uncertain. At least I hope it will be; I’d like to be alive for a while. I want to see what my kids do. I want to see what my former students (aka alums) do. I still have things I enjoy. I even have things to do.

In any case, given that the future involves many years and many things outside my control, I should focus on the coming year. That is, in this birthday musing, I should focus on the coming year.

I’ll be on sabbatical until my next birthday. That gives me time. The details of the sabbatical are fodder for another musing. In any case, I’ll spend some time on scholarship. But the sabbatical should also give me more time to spend time on myself. The most important—and most complex—issue will be to figure out what life will be like without Michelle. That’s not going to happen in one swell foop. Perhaps I should set aside time to think about it. Or perhaps I should set aside a musing a month to reflect on it. We’ll see.

I’d like to be healthy (or at least healthier) for the rest of my life. Hence, working on my weight and other related issues should be a priority. Water walking worked well in the past. I plan to resume. Perhaps I can continue regularly. Mindset issues are also at play. No, not growth mindset. Rather, the mindset of actively considering what I value when I make decisions. I did well when I focused on such issues. However, the stress of work took over. My unexamined [6] mind often makes poor choices.

I hope I can find ways to support my sons, relatives, friends, and students. Perhaps others, too.

I should also make time for fun. I wish I found exercise fun. In any case, I need time to write (or at least muse), to read, to create, to visit (or visit with) people. In essence, I need time for joy.

That’s enough. Perhaps it’s even too much. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my sixty-prime years on this planet, I always plan more than I can do.

Learn to live. Exercise. Introspect. Support others. Find joy. Do research. The first of those encapsulates it all. In the next year, I’ll learn to live.

Fingers crossed.

[1] I hope I got the math right.

[2] onesself? oneself?

[3] They shouldn’t concern me, that is.

[4] Or as I recall my mother saying that my father said.

[5] Alternately, even if you can change the past, perhaps you shouldn’t. That appears to be the moral of many stories.

[6] Perhaps unchallenged.

Version 1.0 of 2025-06-18.