Preparing to sit shiva (#1303)

Topics/tags: Personal, Michelle

Warning! This musing may induce sadness and tears [1]. I hope it doesn’t offend anyone.

Michelle is nearing the end of her life. So, my family and I are preparing for what happens when she passes away. Last week, we met with her priest and with the funeral home. We also chose a plot for her grave. We also covered some practical matters that one might worry about if they have the time, such as revisiting the will. I’ll admit that it’s hard to do these kinds of things when you’re crying, but I think it will make it easier.

Amidst all this, a friend suggested I meet with the College Rabbi [2]. When going through a loss like this, it’s good to have some support for someone like Rabbi Sarah. My therapist has been great for many things, but I’ve not felt as comforted discussing Michelle’s death with him.

Somewhere along the way, she asked what I was thinking about for shiva. And that ended up being a more complicated question than I expected. For those of you who don’t know, shiva is a Jewish practice wherein immediate family members remain home for the seven days following a burial, using the time to remember the person they lost. Friends bring fellowship (and, often, food).

Neither side of the family was particularly active in their practice of Judaism; I’ve often said that we were culturally Jewish [3]. I don’t recall sitting shiva with my parents for their own parents. I don’t think we sat shiva for my father; the memorial service plus a follow-up event at our friends the Orloves seems to have been our version. I didn’t sit shiva for my mother; it didn’t come to mind, and we chose to do two memorial services, much like my father’s. I’ve been fortunate not to have many Jewish close friends pass away during my adulthood. And when I’ve lost colleagues, there’s always the memorial service, which, like shiva, serves as a time to share memories.

My first reaction was that we’re already doing the right things for Michelle’s faith and family traditions. We’ll have a wake so that people have an opportunity to visit with her and us. The next morning, we’ll have a funeral in the church. Afterward, we’ll have lunch available. And, the day after that, we’ll have a family-only burial service [4].

What about shiva? I said I’d think about it. It only took me a little while to realize that (a) my inclination was that I would find it easiest to cope with her death if I immersed myself in work, and (b) that’s a good reason to sit shiva. I talked to a close friend about it, and they agreed.

Today, Middle Offspring and I met with Rabbi Sarah to discuss what a shiva might look like for our family. At first, I didn’t think Kaddish seemed appropriate; Michelle’s faith suggests that since she’s been forgiven her sins, she’ll be with G-d after she dies and doesn’t need them. Rabbi Sarah reminded me that we also do the prayers for our own comfort, which makes sense to me. At our prior meeting, she had also said that some people now do shiva for three days [5]. At this meeting, I learned that she had meant that many people now limit the intense visitation to three days during the seven days. Seven days seems a bit harder to prepare for. But it also seems like the right thing.

It’s also a new world out there; the Rabbi suggested that we should consider a night or two when people can visit online rather than in person. That approach makes sense given that Michelle has close friends scattered around the country (and even the world).

Since my kids aren’t Jewish, and I’m whatever I am, we felt some freedom to adapt. So, what are we doing?

We’re embracing the idea that we use most of the time to sit and remember and to give others the opportunity to sit and remember. Since some group sharing is appropriate, we’ll pick two or three nights (including one weekend night) for people to visit as a group from, say, 4:00–7:00 p.m., and share stories together. We’ll start those times with the Kaddish and some readings. People should feel free to come and go during those periods. (We need only ten people there for Kaddish.) We’ll also pick a night or two (including the other weekend night) for people to visit as a group online from 4:00–7:00 p.m. We’ll also be available for individual visitors from 10:00 a.m.–4:00 p.m. I’ll be hanging out in our living room. I expect the boys [6] will come and go as they feel is appropriate for them. Michelle’s brother and sister-in-law also plan to be here for some of the time.

We’ve asked a friend to handle volunteers for dinner, and we’re happy for people to bring snacks for other times for people to share. But people shouldn’t feel obligated to provide food. Our primary goal will be to remember her and also give others a chance to do so.

What else? I’m a workaholic, so I plan to reserve two or so hours each day to step away from mourning and to do work instead. I talked to a friend about it, and we concluded that Michelle would expect that of me. I’ll just need to make sure it’s not interfering with the mourning.

All in all, I hope the shiva we observe ends up being an appropriate time for people to remember, celebrate, and mourn this remarkable woman.

Postscript: Since most of her friends won’t know about shiva, we’re left with the question of how to communicate the practice to others. So far, we’ve come up with a bit of text to add to the obituary:

The family will observe shiva at home from DATE to DATE, with group remembrances from 4-7pm on DATE and DATE, as well as a virtual gathering from 4-7pm CDT on DATE. They also welcome visitors any time between 10am and 7pm during the time of shiva.

This musing may serve as another way to share. But it’s long and includes lots of extraneous commentary.

What else should we do? I suppose we’ll figure it out. Or we won’t. Whatever we do will suffice.

Also: We mustn’t forget that we need a way to share a Zoom link (or equivalent) for the virtual gathering. Maybe I’ll tell people to text Michelle’s number and hand the phone to a friend to answer such questions.

[1] At least it does for me.

[2] Okay, multiple friends suggested that. This one also made sure that the Rabbi texted me.

[3] It’s more than that. Even though we didn’t practice the religion, I find many ways in which we approach the world that differ from our Christian and non-religion-affiliated friends.

[4] With bagpipes! At least if that’s possible.

[5] That’s a bit strange since shiva is derived from seven.

[6] Men.

Version 1.0 of 2024-09-09.